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This blog is OUT OF ORDER

i am no longer going to be writing here, because i feel that i should step into a new, designed path.
so long, and thanks for all the fish.

May. 19th, 2009

the more i think, the less i live.
the less i live, the more i think.

trigger.
trigger.
trigger.
i havent been on in a while, because i havent felt the need.
whats the time?
rant time!
 
(about my arguement i had with my mom and dad)
so i didnt go to IOP today, big deal!
i didnt feeel like going.
IN FACT, instead i binged. cuckoocachooo.
and i didnt want to go to IOP because we have meal group and i knew i wouldnt want to eat after the binge.
so my dad called me and was all "you can't go to soccer practice if you dont go to therapy! //i am just now getting inside your corner, to where i finally understand you.// you are finally getting better//i hope you make the right decision//yadayadayada"
anyways, my parents got home and they brought me to their room and we tried to talk about my 'issues'
it ended up with me getting an attidude and my dad flipping out.
he ran over to me, grabbed my elbow, and would have punched me if my mom had not stepped in the way.
i wish he had, i wish he had showed me how much he hates me, i wish that i could physically see how much he hates the person that has fucked up his life.

how can you punish someone for not going to therapy?
its a choice, i have the choice to get better, i have a choice to do this for myself.
they wont even force my brother to go to therapy and he 'moved out' yesterday and came back in less than 10hours.
not even a day on his own.
me and him are so screwed up and my parents see us as lesser beings, like they an just shove everything down our throats.
well we arent and i am not about to let them think that they can.
i am my own independent person, thanks.
im going on a fast. 
i am going to do whatever i feel like.
this is me, this is my life.
i am sick of feeling like i have to stick to everybodys expectations of me.
no more, you are in control of me no longer.
finito.

i sound so immature, im sorry.

May. 2nd, 2009

where?
when?
what?
how?
 

Apr. 22nd, 2009

i can't do this, i cant fucking do this anymore!
i can't eat, i cant not eat.
nobody understands. nobody. everybody gets a fucking attitude whenever i do something that isnt what they wanted.
well guess what?! at least i am dealing with something and trying to work through something!
what they fuck are you doing? you are running away from your problems.
and you cop an attitude with me because i am actually facing myself and dealing with shit?
try living for three years like this EVERY SINGLE DAY!
see how you are after this.
we never fight. ever.
but i cant deal with this shit anymore.

i binged again today, this is it for me.
this is life.
i suck, i fucking suck.
i cant function anymore, i cant deal with this anymore.
i cant deal with myself. im so tired and im going no where.
this isnt gettttting any better!
i never cusss, but this isnt me anymore.
i have changed, i am no more. this is it.

Apr. 21st, 2009

this is rather long. its in a cut.

I can’t feel anything. I can’t share any piece of me. Theres nothing to give. Im an empty shell.

Here is the rest )

Apr. 13th, 2009

numb.
im a shell of a person, there is no substance anymore.
i worry too much, thats all i do, thats all my mind can fathom.
im staring at the world and all i see is blank space.
so it seems, i am steadily traveling to my resting place in the world.
the place where i will fall into place alongside the harmonized ones, where 'I' am 'We'.

“indifference is the essence of inhumanity”

                 -George Bernard Shaw

Darfur 


you know you were only supposed to have 500 calories today.
and you failed at that.
you had to go and eat a normal meal.
so you know what you do? you punish yourself, you binge.
there is no other option, that is the only way you will have to physically sit with your guilt.
if it is just busting out of your stomach reminding you that food is bad.
that eating causes misery.
you would think that by now you would have learned that, but no.
you have been brainwashed by your treatment team.
punish yourself, punish yourself, punish yourself!
there is no starting over new, you already messed up.
and remember, purging is against the rules- it will lessen your guilt.

why thank you Ed, you have been such a great help.
as if i didnt feel bad enough.


im going crazy.
FAILURE ALERT!

i was doing so well. i would have basically been at 110, but i got reasonable.
i had tingling sensations to the point that i couldnt feel my legs, and reasoned that i do need to eat something for soccer in the morning.
so i had 500 calories worth of 90 calorie chewy granola bar, 130 calorie fiber bar, almost a whole apple, like 90 calories worth of pretzels, 170 cal. nuts.
 it really wasnt the healthiest binge and i dont feel like purging.
but i did do some curl ups and leg exercises..not that thats going to make a difference in my fat self.
failure, failure, failure.
you should just forget about life, buy food, and eat your life away since thats what you seem to do anyways.

so much for my fast.
two days just doesnt cut it.

"Sadly, sadly, the sun rose;
it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions,
incapable of their directed exercise, incapable of his own help and his own happiness,
sensible of the blight on him,
and resigning him-self to let it eat him away."
-Charles Dickens

its hard to believe that sixteen years have been lived, and i feel the way i do now.
I am so short lived, and yet everyday has the essence of five years.
i am digging and digging, and yet their is no rock-bottom,
just the beginning of the end.



                   i dont even know what to think anymore.
                   is all of this real?
                   are we real?
                   is having life the definition of living?

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buffalojane
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