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UPDATE:
another awful day, i binged.
i said i was going to fast and then around 7 i decided to have a little something.
then Ed told me i was a failure and might as well finish it off with bang.
i know for a fact now that i am not going to schoool tomorrow. i cant. i wont.
im scared, i have never been so scared.
i did this, i let Ed back in, and i have never called him by his name.
i have given him his own identity.
i am making a pact right here, right now.
i am giving all of this shit up. no more restricting, no more binging, no more purging.
god, i wont be able to follow through with this, and im only saying this because i am scared.
i dont know what to do, i dont know how to be healthy...


The walk down the corridor progressed each day until the earth had orbited five paths around the sun.
It took each step with equal precision and mastery, targeting the center of each tile on the floor.
Human design was irrelevant; all fixations were real without purpose.
It’s hands caressed the confinement, slipping between every crevice and imperfection.
It noticed its nature as it impressed the floor with freedom, the nature of pattern.

 get out of my head,get out of my head, getout of my head, getoutof my head, getoutofmy head, getoutofmyhead, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!


and the cycle continues.
i binged, i was just starting to look good again.
im not going to soccer practice tonight because i am fat so i am going to treat myself as what i am or i have  "too much homework"...
im going to try not to go to school tomorrow, for the same reason.
i am a fatass who deserves nothing.



i need to start thinking about what i am doing to myself.
all of this needs to stop, i need to start living.
YOU ARE SCREWING YOURSELF OVER!

Ed, you told me not to try out for the play in acting because im worthless.
you told me to not eat because i dont deserve to.
you told me that i should eat everything i could to prove to ana that you and i dont need her, that there are other ways for you to be in control.
today you told me not to go to soccer becuase i am fat.
will you make up your mind?!!

Mar. 17th, 2009

what am i doing?
im so out of place.
this is just a waste of time.
time here is non-existent.
it all runs together.


feeling weird, and i am ready to go.
its not up to you to decide whether or not i am too busy, honestly i can decide that for myself.
i am sick of you deciding everything for me!
i am so tired of that, fuck yourself.
you pretend like you care, but i know that you are just trying to control me.
because everything has to be in your control.
why don't you just take it upon yourself to feed me, teach me, tell me everything i should know.
I am not INCOMPETENT, father.
To my dear father.
I have no opinion, no say in what goes on in my life.
I am the family puppet.

we were doing so "well" too, family therapy was finally "working".
im sorry, but my dear father, you just proved the point that you are a controlling piece of cow dung.
favoritism is your law.
everything you say is one lie after another, you just put on an act to make a pretty picture.
why don't you just cut me out of it if you can't stand me so much?
please! i am begging you to.
your reasoning is faulty, and you aren't always right.
you have brainwashed everybody in this house to believe that everything is fine so we are oblivious to life.
you make us weak and obsolete.
shutup and listen to what people say, you narcistic man.

i hate thinking and saying things like this.
but its better if i get it out.

Here is the line of the day,
the limit of what can be,
and nothing straddles this line,
Nothing exists besides an idea.
 
 
"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world..."
 
imagine this life.
breath it in, touch its purity.
this is what the world should be, this is living,
this is love.


better days, but right now i am tempted to binge.
though, i know i can't because i had that frosty last night.
and i want to prove to myself that i can have self control, yet still allow myself a treat.

Mar. 1st, 2009

i wrote a short story kind of thing, it legitametly sucks.








why in the world would i insist on binging?
i was doing so well, too.
the weekends are so hard for me, but at least it was just this one day and not all three.
i was starting to develop some abs too, man.
i am debating on whether or not i should fast for a couple of days, this is how i always am after a binge, go figure.
more than likely i won't b/c i end up convincing myself that being recovered will dictate the acceptance of one days mistake and not the constitution of using the next few days as the undoing period.

Everyone deserves a voice, but speech always grows faint when the fury runs from the mind to the body.
And right now, i think i might be furious.
My mouth grows silent as my body learns to vent.
 

It is called for the people to make the change the world needs to see, but we need to see before the world can change.
"Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree.
And they grew next to each other.
And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree.
He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight."
And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees."
And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange.
"
- wristcutters


the first snow marks the first breath of innocence.
there is nothing really going on in my life,
i think i have hit a total standpoint.
days just keep flowing into nights,and everything stays the same.
i hate life staying the same.
give me something new, please!

i am marching towards nothing.

Feb. 26th, 2009

"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world..."

 

Hundreds of years have passed with the same notion of reciprocity, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It has been conceded in the Bible by Jesus, carried through the Buddhists, and believed by the Islamic, are we the minority?


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